The valley of the shadow

Again, I apologize for a long awaited update. As a caveat, if I haven't posted in a while, you can expect I am probably having a difficult time with the chemo. The week before last was one of the hardest & most discouraging of my life. I wrote a few posts but never published them as I felt like they were too negative (btw - constant pain makes me negative) and I was trying to take the advice of Thumper's mother in Bambi. "If you can't say anything nice. Don't say anything at all."

The reality is this blog was never intended to be a cancer update site and that is what it's become. For three months now, every blog has been about an ugly disease I never wanted. As of last week, I resented that fact. I resented this cancer and I was upset with God for allowing it to be a part of my life. After three days of being bedridden, I asked God why He thought I was a good candidate for this. The last treatment of chemo (the meaner treatment of the two) took me a full week to feel normal again. Thank goodness the past week was my week off. I don't think there was any way my body could've handled more poison.

 

As far as side effects, I think I have been experiencing a majority of them - nausea, headaches, mouth sores (yes I'm doing the recommended mouth rinses), a very angry digestive system, dehydration, constipation, diarrhea (yes, I have the privilege of experiencing them both), extreme weakness/fatigue, constant body aches, low-grade fever & now everything tastes funky. To add to the fun, I have two disgusting sores on my neck. (We now know one is fungal.) And, my hair is officially falling out. I don't expect it to last much longer. I told Chris he must feel privileged to be marriage to such an attractive specimen especially with the port bulging out of my chest (which still freaks me out). I mean, really, I can't get much hotter than this!

 

As you can see, the last two weeks have been gross. However, the most discouraging thing is not the side effects (although I cringe at the thought of them). It is just my life in general. I was crying in bed one night waiting for the narcotics to kick in, and I told Chris, "This is not the life I wanted." It feels like I'm living a bad dream and the life I knew is passing me by - the life that made me smile. The life without cancer (well, the life when I didn't know I had cancer). My heart aches to miss out on time with Alexa. I couldn't even sit outside to watch her blow bubbles last week - I was too weak. I am not supposed to be tired and in bed for three days. I am supposed to take Alexa to swim lessons and to the park. I am supposed to run the errands and fix the dinners. We are supposed to be going to Disney World in two weeks. I am not supposed to be lying in bed for days at a time. I am not supposed to be reading Alexa books about why Mommy is sick and why her hair will be falling out (actually Chris does, because I cry while he reads them to her). I just "felt" God was cruel and distant last week. I know He isn't, but the rollercoaster of emotional and physical attacks chemo & cancer inevitably bring made me feel that way.

 

It is a challenging thing to put into words what this unexpected journey is like. I told my parents I truly feel like I am "walking through the valley of the shadow of death." When the poison is admitted and killing every rapidly dividing cell (good or bad) in my body, I feel like my body is fighting to simply hang on. And in those moments of discouragement & discomfort, I question if God's grace is sufficient because it doesn't feel that way. I feel nothing like myself. I feel weak, frail and incredibly ill. I can't even think. And by the way, although Psalm 23 should bring me great comfort, I've never really liked this passage because of verse 4 - "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff they comfort me." I've never liked that verse because walking through the valley of the shadow death never seemed appealing to me. It actually sounded quite frightening - with or without the Lord's presence & protection. I can't speak for you but I tend to avoid discomfort or things that frighten me. I wouldn't vote to walk down that valley, and yet, the Lord purposefully placed me in that very valley. What was making this experience more difficult was I didn't sense the presence of the Lord. It is the first time since this all started I really felt alone. The Lord didn't seem to care one bit that my heart was breaking about the reality of the battle I must face to live - a battle He ordained.

 

Again, no need to preach to me. I know God is near. I know He's never left me. I know He is loving and good and faithful (you can reference other posts if you don't think so). I guess I am just realizing this is part of the journey - believing when there is no physical evidence to prove it. It just is. God's Word is true. He is constant and He is who He said He is whether I choose to believe it or not.

 

So, I start my 2nd round of chemo tomorrow. There will hopefully be five more (meaning the chemo is actually working and killing my cancer). I wish I could be Pollyanna-ish about this treatment, but I honestly dread starting this three-week process again. I am finally feeling like myself (even ran 10 sets of stadium stairs at OU yesterday) and now I will go to have more poison put in my body and wait for the attack to come. Of course, I know all of this is intended to kill the cancer and grant me a cancer-free life. And I am grateful for this medicine. It's still hard.

 

--Please pray this chemo will work - that it will destroy all of the cancer in my body, including the growing, painful tumor in my right forearm. To know I could have functionality of my right hand again would be a miracle, indeed!!

 

--Pray for minimal side effects from the chemo as well as the side effects I deal with from the meds I take to deal with the chemo's side effects. It seems like a catch-22.

 

--In a matter of days, I will be forced to shave my head. Pray for my heart in all of this.

 

-- Pray for a believing & fighting attitude ready to face each day with a deep, abiding trust in the Lord and what He is doing - for joy, for peace, for strength.

 

--Pray I would take advantage of the time I feel good - spending it with my precious family & friends. And, I would see the yucky times as opportunities to be still & know He is God and He is still good.

 

--PRAISE! The nurse was able to access my port last time and it didn't hurt at all when she inserted the needle. In fact, I cried when she did it because I didn't feel anything. It was painful when the needle was removed and the port site felt awkward the rest of the day. Pray my body will continue to adjust to the port.

 

A now very, very precious friend & survivor of sarcoma sent me an incredibly timely & encouraging email at the end of last week reminding me of God's constant nearness in this battle. Tears flowed down my cheeks in thanksgiving & repentance as I was reminded He has never left my side. He is my Good Shepherd. I will probably need to play this on repeat for the next several days as I recover from another chemo treatment. Ty Marissa & ty for the many prayer warriors who continue to pray for me even when there aren't updates.

From the book, Praying Through Cancer, this is a prayer by Sister Sue Tracy that spoke to my heart last week and will be a prayer I continue to pray on this journey (thank you Melinda for this powerful book):

Christ Jesus, my Lord, thank you for the gift of my life. Help me deepen in my desire to live with You as I cope with this cancer diagnosis and its many realities. I want to lean on You with all I am.

Lord, You invite me to ask for what I desire. I want to live well and learn all I can on this present path even though it’s scary. It’s hard to deal with so many unknowns and face times when I am not in control. But, it is comforting to know that You want to walk with me one breath, one blink, one swallow and one heartbeat at a time.

Help me focus on You as my “Big C,” ready to crush and triumph over the “little c” that I am coping with now. Above all, I deeply desire that You are praised in this experience. If I can be assured of this, all that is happening is worthwhile for my growth and for Your glory.