Be still my soul

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

Yesterday, I awoke to this verse floating through my head. I knew full well I would have to be completely still for my spine radiation and rest fully in the knowledge my God was in control of every targeted beam of radiation strategically planned to destroy my C7 cancer. Not only that but I also had to trust that every power-packed beam was bypassing crucial anatomy settled close by. If I let my mind wander at all yesterday, fear and dread crept in. So unlike most mornings in Houston, I didn't get up and walk. Rather, I spent most of my morning meditating on Truths and listening to music that has meant so much to me through this season. I also enjoyed some playtime with Alexa and met with a dietician at MDA.

All in all, I would call yesterday surreal. Surreal in the fact I was finally beginning my 1st round of treatment. Surreal to think that several targeted radiation beams - beams I wouldn't even feel - would be effective in destroying my C7 cancer forever (at least, that is our prayer). Surreal that in all of this - crazy mask and all - I felt a strange, settling peace. It seems each step of this journey draws me closer and closer to Him. I suppose the further down this road I go, I recognize my limitations and realize He is ultimately the only one to whom I can run. I am utterly dependent on Him.

Over the past several weeks, I've felt His nearness in a way I never have, and His deep love for me is sensed through this constant awareness He is with me. It seems scriptures I read or songs I sing are personal messages from Him to my heart (and I typically cry with this realization). Even more so, my trust in Him and what He's doing is growing - even when it seems like a hiccup. It's just a crazy, crazy thing!!

For example, my dear friend, Shannon, brought up the fact He chose my C7 vertebrae. Of all the vertebrae - the C7 would be the one most representative of Him (C - Christ / 7 - for perfection, wholeness, completion). Even in the midst of a tumor, He was reminding me He hadn't forgotten about this vertebrea but rather He was right in the middle of it, in total control and desiring my wholeness (besides that silly cancer had no business camping out there in the first place & it was time He took care of it).

I remember at the onset of my diagnosis, a gentle-hearted, Godly man whom I deeply respect told me my diagnosis (cancer) was a gift. I remember wanting to (first) slap him and (second) put my cancer in a box, wrap it up and hand it to him with a bow on top saying, "Great, you take this gift then!"  But, because I know this man walks intimately with Jesus, I knew there was Truth in what he said. No, he didn't intend for cancer to be "my gift" but it has been the means by which I've been forced to look into my Father's eyes and say, "I'm frightened by all of this, really scared. There is nothing in me that wants to walk through this, but I know you have something for me in this. Perhaps something for others too. Something we would all miss otherwise. So, help me to know you more intimately through this (and be brave), so at the end of this, I can say with confidence, 'Cancer would have never been my vote but the journey with Jesus has been a gift.'" Of course, experiencing absolute healing, watching Alexa grow into a women of God and turning old & grey with Chris would be deeply appreciated answered prayers demonstrating His undeserved goodness :)

Thanks to God's never changing faithfulness, He has shown me Himself in so many ways - through His peace, laughter, mini-miracles, blessing upon blessing and oodles of answered prayers & encouragement from you (the most amazing army of supporters a gal could ask for). I fully anticipate more and more of God's goodnes in the days to come. You may think that seems a bit pretentious but I can tell you it is only through experience I know this to be true. He is ready and waiting to knock our socks off with . . . Himself. And, my friend, He is good. Just like He promises in Psalm 34:6, "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." I pray this is your personal experience as well. So . . . much like I had to be still yesterday and rest in Him, may I also encourage you to simply be still and let Him be your God today!

If you happen to be still & want to pray, here you go . . . 

- PRAISE!! Ty for your continued prayers for Alexa. She did very well in Galveston & Houston. She was our little rockstar and is even learning to sleep in the car

- For the C7 cancer to be totally eradicated by the radiation treatment. (I will go to MDA in three months to check on the cancer death toll).

- For minimal to zero side effects of radiation. I am currently experiencing pain in both of my shoulder blades, lower back and right forearm. Some might be due to radiation and some due to the position I was in for the MRI of my right forearm. Other factors - traveling & sleeping in three different beds. 

- I have been told I can start chemotherapy in OKC this Friday. Please be praying about the timing of all of this. There's a lot to sort through between now and then - emotionally & physically. I will also have to decide if/when I would have a port inserted. (Yuck - not excited about that one bit.)

- I will be attending a chemo class on Thursday from 2 to 4pm. Please pray I can retain the information I absolutely need to know, and God would guard my heart from what I don't need to.

- For courage in the next step. I have dreaded chemotherapy since I heard the word - hair loss, nausea, fatigue, long-term side effects (not my idea of a summer vacation). Perhaps I'll make some friends along the way & we can walk through this together :)