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Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Two Little Ones

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him, our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

December 8, 2011 . . . It may just be another Thursday to you. But in my heart, today is a special day. It was the due date of our third child. As anyone who reads this knows by now, it is no longer a day of expectation but rather a day of remembrance.
I can honestly say now, “Thank you for this loss.” (That only took me about four months to say). And in all actuality, it’s not a loss – it is heaven’s gain. Experiencing loss a second time has, in many ways, been more refining. It’s hurt more deeply. It caused me to have questions that can’t be answered. And, it’s forced me to wrestle with the source of my faith and my fears. But, as with any trial, it has also brought me closer to the Lord in so many ways I never would have chosen on my own. I trust Him more. I run to Him more. I depend on Him more. I expect Him to work in me more. I love Him more. And, I fight for my time with Him more because I’m slowly beginning to realize – He’s my lifeline and His Truth sustains me (yeah, should’ve learned that years ago). I need Jesus. I need Him more than anything. And if two losses with a precious daughter in between is what it took for me to “get it,” then I’m thankful for His Sovereignty in that. (I just pray I “get it” enough that I don’t have to have a third review of this lesson).

One passage of scripture that has shed new light through this season is 2 Corinthians12:9-10. I think it’s a passage that gets thrown out there all the time and becomes cliché. But for me, the Truths in it have been become incredibly meaningful in my personal walk. Paul writes,

“Be He said to me (speaking of the Lord), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

The Lord has shown me a great deal about myself & suffering as I’ve studied the life of Paul this year in Bible Study Fellowship. This guy was a salty follower of Christ -  the first missionary called to the Gentiles who wrote many books in the New Testament (thank you Lord). He has much reason for which to boast. And yet, his life held no glamour. On the contrary, his life was filled with insults, danger and hardships. He was shipwrecked, flogged, stoned, imprisoned. He endured a thorn in the flesh, labored and toiled, went without food & drink, endured sleepness nights, coldness and nakedness. WHEW! All of this, he embraced for the cause of Christ. And in 2 Corinthians 12, he tells us he boasts in his weakness because God’s grace is not only made sufficient in the midst of suffering but His power is also perfected in our weakness. It is in our very weaknesses that Christ’s strength is made evident. Wow . . . 

Christ has graciously shown me at least some of my many weaknesses over the past couple of years. I cannot create life. I cannot sustain life. I cannot make my body work. I cannot order my steps. I cannot make pain go away. I cannot seek the Lord in my own strength. I cannot make sense of the scriptures without the Holy Spirit’s counsel. I sin – often. I struggle with anger, bitterness, gratitude, a critical spirit, discouragement. But He’s also showing me that I can embrace these weaknesses because they draw me to the cross and to Him. It’s in dying that I really live. I have to surrender the things I cannot control and boast in His sufficiency. To make much of Him means to make less of me and to let go. Instead of being sad that I struggle with infertility and miscarriages, I am learning to give that to God and say, “Yep, I’m really weak, but God isn’t. He will get me through this with His grace sufficient. And although I may not be physically stronger at the end of this, He promises I will be strengthened in Him.”  

We don’t know what the future holds for our family. There isn’t a due date in sight. No pregnancy on the horizon. But we serve and trust a living God who can at anytime answers our prayers for a child. He creates and sustains life. He also takes it away, and I have a peace about that.

One of my dear friends lost her 2nd baby Wednesday at 23 wks. His name was Nathanael. She lost Gabriel, at 18 wks. I have been reminded, once again, we live in a broken world with sin and death . . . and we are weak. I don’t like it one bit. I hurt so deeply for my sister, her husband, and her three sons. I know the road to healing can be so long. But, I am thankful for the privilege to walk beside her. I can pray for her and love her right where she is . . . right in the midst of her weakness. My prayer is that she, too, will say, “Thank you” when her heart is ready and she will boast in the Lord’s sufficiency. Ultimately, I pray that all of this loss will only point others to the saving grace of Jesus. May we live our lives in a manner worthy of the Gospel even in the midst of our “light and momentary troubles” (2 Corinthians 4:17). May He be glorified.

So, the necklace in the pic was a birthday gift to myself. It’s a reminder for me that even though I won’t hold two of my children on this earth, I can always hold them close to my heart. That really does my heart good on the rough days. I am thankful for that little nest around my neck and the two little eggs nestled inside. Just like Alexa Hope, they are God’s gift to our family.

This day I want to celebrate all of the children we will get to hold when we see Jesus. We love you Baby K (I and II), Nathanael, Gabriel, Caleigh, Aubrey, Baby Harvey, Baby Gilchrist, Baby Heckart, Baby Collins, Baby Buss, Baby Hartsock, Baby Ekpenyong, Baby Presley (all five of them), Baby Koehler, Baby Wendel, and many, many more.


  1. My dear, it is a blessing to see your heart and thoughts in writing. I count it a privilege to walk beside you in this season and am so thankful that God (not surprisingly at all) has shown Himself faithful. I completely agree with Solomon when he says, "A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." I realize that more and more each and every day!

  2. sweet friend, I have tears in my eyes...your heart is so tender, thanks for sharing. praying for your sweet heard. much love to you! xoxo

  3. Wonderfully written, Kels! I too, have two in Heaven that I cannot wait to meet, and what a great necklace!