Thank you

Words are inadequate to express the gratitude we have welling up in our hearts for the love and concern you’ve shown us over the past several days (and, let’s be honest, the past several months). I feel as if a tsunami of prayers has covered us as we process the latest news on this journey and prepare for more tomorrow. How humbling it is to have friends, family and total strangers encouraging us and committing to be a part of the vast army of prayer warriors we have marching alongside us.

For example, a dear friend told me her friend wanted me to know her four young boys have prayed for me every single night since April and they aren’t going to stop until I’m healed. I was moved to tears by their faithfulness and belief in God’s ability to heal me. This isn’t the first time I’ve been humbled and moved by the love I have and am receiving (all undeserved, of course). Even when God’s hand can seem quite distant, I am thankful He shows me He does care through the love of His people (that’s you)!! We are – beyond a shadow of a doubt – overwhelmed with gratitude, deeply overwhelmed.

I’ll admit, I’m very strong-willed, so I’ve stiff-armed God and His Word to a great degree over the past couple of days. I know it’s an ignorant thing to do as it only hurts me, but somehow, I rationalize if I can let Him “feel” how hurt I am, it will make me feel better. Um, it doesn’t really work, but I know He can handle my Heisman trophy pose and my heart as He works to refine me into His image (although I’m still quite resistant to how He’s doing it). His love for me isn’t threatened by my stubborn (and grieving heart).

I know He is hurting too – I just can’t wrap my mind around His bigger plan and why He just isn’t stepping in to save the day. Yes, I realize I’ll never wrap my mind around His bigger plan anyway. A pastor I enjoy listening to says God’s will is like sitting on the shore and looking out at the ocean. All we see is a small bit of the ocean touching the horizon, but in fact, the ocean stretches far, far beyond what we can really see. The ocean is vast and there is so much more there we just can’t see. And that’s how God’s will works, we have to trust there is far more going on than what we can perceive. And, I do believe this is about far more than cancer. I believe there is an unreal spiritual battle going on that we can’t see. Although I know not the depth and breadth, I can sense it. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue saying it. '”I have no idea what He’s doing, why He’s doing it and what I have yet to learn from this; but, I pray in spite of those very legitimate questions, I will be able to trust Him.” Trust Him for what we find out tomorrow. Trust Him for the treatment plan. Trust Him in the what ifs and trust Him for this very moment.

With all of that said, I have most definitely “borrowed your belief” the last couple of days and will probably continue to do so in the days to come. So, thank you for joining us on your knees as we see what God has in store for me and my family.

Thanks to your many prayers, this morning at MDA went surprisingly well. When I woke up, not only did I have my normal lower back pain, but I also had sharp pain in my left shoulder all the way down my side. I immediately felt defeated and then I started coughing – more defeat. How in the world was I going to lay still on the narrow MRI bed wincing in pain and trying not to cough (mind you, you cannot move during an MRI or they have to redo the images)? Thanks to your prayers, two Aleve and a cough drop, it was the fastest MRI I’ve ever experienced. The tech was very friendly and kind – super bonus! We finished up quickly at MDA and I was able to come home and take a relatively pain-free two hour nap. Also, my mind has been relatively free from MDA thoughts or what will happen tomorrow. Thank you!

PRAYER REQUESTS

A friend sent this song to me last night. I smiled when I saw the link as I love this song and believe it expresses everything I have been feeling. I have listened to it on repeat for several months now. You should hear Alexa belt out the chorus with me. There is a lyric that echoes the deep longing in my heart.

I’m trying to hear that still small voice.
I’m trying to hear above the noise.

That is my greatest prayer request. That I would be able to separate God’s still, small voice from “the noise” I hear tomorrow (and in my head so often). And trust me, there is a lot of noise at MDA. The noise can be so deafening, so discouraging, so dark. It is the noise I dread most tomorrow, especially from Dr. Benjamin. Please pray against this and that I would sense in very real, tangible ways the presence of God and His goodness in the darkness.

Plumb – Need You Now

-- For God’ grace to cover every moment of tomorrow. I have never dreaded a day as much as I have this one in a while. I truly dread everything about it.
-- Pray all of the scans would go well and would provide clear images.
-- Pray for Dr. B’s wisdom in deciphering the images and providing a clear plan of action. Pray for our interactions with him. That he might be compassionate and that I could communicate my heart clearly as well.
-- I have to go without food until my PET scan is over, so pray I would be content and have energy until mid-afternoon. Please pray I wouldn’t struggle with pain or coughing as they discourage meds during this time. My left side is still hurting and I don’t know why.
-- Pray for our hearts as we digest more news. I am still praying it will be good. Pray for a deep, abiding trust in the Father, and clear direction from Him (not necessarily MDA) in what to do next.
-- Pray we would be light in the darkness, especially when I don’t feel very “bright.” We want the Enemy to be defeated in this battle.
-- For complete, God-sized, God glorifying healing of my body.