More cancer

I didn’t anticipate writing this blog, especially not before our upcoming trip to MDA (Nov. 2-6 – I’ve listed my schedule below). And, I’ll apologize upfront. I usually allow time to let my emotions (and humanity) settle down before I write something . . . not today. Most of this will be raw. But, I want to get this hellish cancer business out of the way so I can post about my daughter tomorrow. Isn’t that what 34-year-old moms are supposed to be blogging about . . . their daughters, their families, their pregnancies, their exciting and often hectic lives? Not for me, my posts revolve around this stupid disease and its ugly realities. I mean, seriously, why did I ever have hope this might get better? With the answered prayer of removal of the tumor from my arm and the thought I could use my right hand again, I was so naïve about this cancer . . . so naïve.

We found out late yesterday evening that my cancer has spread to my hip/pelvis. The only reason we found out is because I had asked my OKC oncologist at an appointment last Thursday to provide a script so I could start some PT for my hip/lower back. If you’ve read my blog at all, you know it has been bothering me off and on (mostly on) for several months. He refused until I had an x-ray. It came back clean but he wanted an MRI as well. I knew when I hadn’t heard anything yesterday afternoon, it was probably more bad news. And . . . (shockingly) it was. I feel like my life is unraveling one scan at time. Anyway, the oncologist and my original orthopedic oncologist believe it is cancer. The ironic thing is I have even more pain in my lower back (and have since my diagnosis over six months ago). So, outside of a miracle, I dread the news I will be handed when we go to MDA this weekend/next week for follow-up scans of my entire body. I was dreading the upcoming MDA visit before this news. You can only imagine how much more so now. I would rather repeat seventh grade, relive my jaw surgery and give birth all at once.

I honestly feel like I have a target on my back. If the Enemy came to steal, kill and destroy, he’s doing a bang-up job. Chris and I have been trying to sort this all out (and yes, we know there is no sorting out that can be done). He is doing much better than I, but our trust and confidence in God has been shaken. I am angry – at moments, very angry. I am cynical about everything (can you tell). I am disappointed, discouraged. And most of all, I am deeply, deeply saddened. You grieve a lot with cancer – especially one that offers little (let’s be honest) NO hope . . . when it comes to targeted, effective treatments. I think about and have dealt with loss everyday since April 12. I never escape it. Loss . . . every day now for over half of a year. By the way, I hate 2013.

I can hardly look at my daughter without crying, and most of the time, I do. I just can’t help it. Tears well up . . .like they are now . . . and I wish I could be her healthy Mommy. I wish she didn’t have to see me cry all of the time. I wish I could promise her I will always be here. I wish for another life. I wish to wake-up from this nightmare. I wish to see God move. But, He isn’t – at least I don’t sense it. I feel as if He doesn’t even care. He just continues allowing more pain, more suffering. And, I wonder . . . why me . . . why our family . . . why now? All of these thoughts flood my mind, and this is after a brilliant sermon by my pastor on spiritual warfare. I know the Truth . . . I just feel absolutely, totally defeated (and hope-less) right now. I checked the closet for my spiritual armor, and I’m pretty sure the Enemy took it. I wouldn’t have the strength to put it on anyway. Weak excuse, but I ‘m using it until I can accept that this is my life (I don’t get to live anyone else’s). Here’s the struggle . . .

Here we were yesterday, I was having a grand time taking photos of Alexa Hope (mind you) and the beautiful maple in our yard before BSF. I see her smile. I see her carefree spirit and a part of me just dies to know she has to be exposed to such harsh realities at such a tender age. Children are supposed to run and play not go with their Mommy to cancer appointments, not learn about tumors, not pray for Mommy’s healing at every prayer, every day and wonder why God isn’t answering. Why would God allow my beautiful daughter to have to endure this at the age of three? Why does her Mommy have to be bald, go to endless appointments and be loaded with pain meds to simply function? Why do I even have to entertain the thought I might not be around to hold her hand, kiss her boo-boos, read her stories, sing with her in the car, rock her to sleep? It breaks my heart. Yes – my heart has been aching since April 12. And, let’s not add into the equation my rock of a husband. He carries the bulk of the load for our family, and he does it all without complaining. I’m serious. He’s been a knight and I’m just a bald, disintegrating mess. He deserves so much more.

PRAYER REQUESTS
-- I would continue to ask for miraculous healing. We kind of knew all along we’d need a miracle – especially if this cancer spread. (The docs have always called it nasty.) I know God can do miracles. My faith is very weak now, but I know He can still do it
-- I pray we might hear good news at MDA. I am almost certain that’s an impossibility in the Sarcoma Dept, but it would be wonderful to hear good news on our visit . . . particularly from Dr. Benjamin, who is never at a loss for negative certainties and always vague on hope. I don’t really like the man. His bedside manner is horrible. But who would like the doc who never dispenses good news? I have no desire to go to MDA this week. None. Zilch. Nada.
-- For my scans to be clear (forearm, chest and full body). God could do this. . . at the very least, no more surprises.
-- Wisdom for future treatment. We have been praying, I mean really seeking the Lord, for what to do next. We both felt fairly certain of the next step until this ball dropped. We are clueless and confused now. We really need direction at this visit. Also, pray for God’s clear leading and wisdom on the doctors’ parts.
-- That I would be released to start hand therapy.
-- Pain relief for my lower back and hip. Yep – I’m back on narcotics. Ironically, I have also been dealing with a cold, a gnarly cough, laryngitis and sinus issues. I pray it doesn’t develop into a full-blown sinus infection and I also pray it isn’t the “c” word. It really hurts my back to cough. Unfortunately, I cough often.
-- For our hearts to trust Him in this mess because we definitely don’t understand what He’s doing. We feel like we’ve been kicked in the gut.

MDA SCHEDULE
Here’s my agenda for MDA if you’d like to pray during specific times. There will probably be some more scans added in once Dr. Benjamin knows of the cancer in my hip/pelvis.

Sunday, November 3
6:45am – Bloodwork
8:30am – MRI of right forearm

Monday, November 4
8:00am – Chest CT scan
10:30am – Appt with Dr. Lee in Integrative Medicine
1:00pm – Injection for PET scan
2:30pm – PET scan
3:30pm – Appt with Dr. Benjamin (Sarcoma Oncologist)
4:14pm – Appt with Dr. Lin (Orthopedic Surgeon)

Wednesday, November 6
7:30am – Appt with Dr. Sharaf (Plastic Surgeon)

** Although, I have not sensed His Presence or comfort over the last 24 hours (and yes, I know He’s with me regardless), I am so thankful for your precious prayers and reminders you love us and are hurting with us. It reminds me we aren’t alone when it can often feel that way.