Four months ago, at 4:00 pm, Kelsey left this dry and weary land and stepped into an eternity with her Creator, Savior, Redeemer, and Dearest Friend. Four months ago, at 4:00 pm, began the start of a new reality for Alexa, me, and all of Kelsey’s friends and family. A reality where praying for Kelsey’s earthly healing was no longer necessary. A reality where we would never again see Kelsey entering a room with her infectious smile. A reality where there are reminders of her 35 years on earth, but where those reminders are not connected to her physical presence any longer. A reality where her words of wisdom and keen perception hang suspended – complete. Kelsey is not around to add to them or offer additional insight in times of joy or struggle. It is the reality of a race well run, but also the reality of a life which goes on before those of us who remain behind.
Four months. Am I better? No. Am I bitter? No. Are there moments when I am angry, discouraged, overwhelmed, and/or frustrated? Yes. Grief still comes in waves, sometimes when least expected. My days are full, but there is a semblance of routine and order. Alexa is settled in to pre-K, loves her nanny, as well as her times with our dear friend and her daughter: going to BSF on Wednesday mornings and afternoons on Wednesday and Friday. We cherish times with family. I value the moments I get to spend with Alexa, watching her grow and seeing a feisty spirit and a joy for life which reminds me of Kelsey. But, there is someone missing and we are missing someone.
Sometimes, seemingly small inconveniences become big deals. Here is an example. On Friday, a sticker came home letting me know that Monday was picture day. Getting Alexa to wear clothes she is not excited about is never an easy task, and the outfit she wore on Monday was no exception to the rule. I am resigned to not being a professional hairdresser and getting her hair mostly presentable was a big deal. Got her ready, calmed the tears when she was quite distraught about what she was wearing with a reassurance picture days only came one time a year, then got her off to school. When I got home, I saw the note, “We apologize for the inconvenience, the sticker you received on Friday was sent in error, pictures are actually Wednesday.” I was furious. Some unkind thoughts ran through my head. I may have been somewhat composed on the outside, but inside, I was tallying the injustices. About pictures? Yep. That is the current reality at times.
And look, I did get a picture that day, just not one from the school!
I share with you, not so you feel sorry, not so you write letters to Alexa’s pre-K (trust me, I wrote some priceless ones in my head), but so you see the reality of life. Decisions around every corner. A lack of time to do the things which seem like they MUST be done, but yet, when they do not get done, the world does not fall apart. Taking advantage of the precious moments with Alexa is far more important to me than a dust free home.
And in all of this, the reassurances of God’s Word rise up around me:
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.” – Isaiah 43:2
“Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
“Casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”
– John 16:33
God is faithful. He is good. He loves me. He loves Alexa. Sometimes, I have to repeat those reassurances to myself again and again. But there is growing hope. I see God’s faithfulness today, and trust a bit more each day in His faithfulness tomorrow.
PRAYER REQUESTS
-- Pray for energy to spend time in the Word. Some mornings it is all I can do to drag myself out of bed after a full day before. The days I spend time in God’s Word are much more grounded in truth than days I do not.
-- Pray for wisdom with Alexa. She continues to eat, which is a wonderful praise, but also continues to exert control in random ways. Prayerfully she is at the other side of a phase where she didn’t drink much, because she didn’t want anyone but me to take her to the restroom.
-- Pray for wisdom in making decisions at home and at work.
-- Pray for my interactions with others. I desire to encourage others who are maybe also walking through dark times and may be wondering why God seems to be silent.
-- Pray for Alexa’s heart. I continue to pray she will come to know Christ and come to understand He will ALWAYS be with her – nothing can take Him away.
-- Pray for sweet conversations with Alexa. Moments when she shares a memory she has with Kelsey are hard, but so special. Pray as Alexa learns more about the type of person Kelsey was, she will seek to emulate Kelsey’s godly qualities.
There is more to write – more stories to tell and more pictures to share. For now, I leave you with a few photos:
